“Sell me this pen.”

Last night I saw the movie, The Wolf of Wall Street. I went alone because trying to make plans with anyone for anything is a task that I’ve realized I should just give up on. Besides, I like doing things alone because you don’t have to wait for anyone else, you can leave when you want, and stay for as much or as little of the credits as you want.

So in any case, I saw the movie last night. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I’m not going to do a review, suffice it to say I enjoyed it and would give it a B, B+. I guess I’m writing to talk about the experience, of which there is sort of little to tell as well. I guess I’m just posting to post.

Well, in any case, I got there, got my ticket and went straight to the theatre. It was pretty empty, which made sense as a) the movie’s been out since Christmas, b) it was a Tuesday night, and c) it was a 9:30 showtime for a 3-hour movie. I was initially bummed because I sort of enjoy not feeling alone, especially where I had come by myself. But then I was psyched because I realized there would be less of a chance of there being any assholes there to ruin the experience for me.

Being the selfish prick that I am, I went to the very last row and sat as close to right under the projector as I could. The spacing of the chairs makes it impossible to get dead center, I was either slightly off to the left or slightly off to the right. I chose off to the left and placed my jacket to the seat next to me, to my right, so that no one would sit near me. During the trailer for The Monuments Men, I switched to being slightly off to the right; it felt more centered to me.

Then, during the last trailer before the movie started, these four cunts walked in, and yes, I have to call them cunts. You know the type, 18 or so year old girls with no fucking brains in their heads wearing Ugg Boots, pouffy white winter jackets with faux fur around the edge of the hood, and sweatpants with PINK across the ass. Well, these four cunts decide they’re going to sit just off to the side, just left of center, in the row right in front of me. Naturally they were texting, BUT, I decided I’d let it slide until the movie started. (Reminded me of the movie God Bless America, not at the time, but now, in retrospect).

The movie starts and every so often a glow of an undeserved iPhone distracts me from another “fuck” on screen. I wanted to hear them all uninterrupted. So, like a guy on a plane whose chair keeps getting kicked by the little kid behind him (another reason I pick the back row, no one to kick the back of your chair), I wait in ever fuming silence telling myself that the next time I see a glow, I’m saying something. A few minutes in and finally I grow a pair.

I’ve fucked this up in the past getting pissed an yelling at a similar group, so I decide to go the calm and patient route. “Hey,” I tap the girl on her shoulder, “could you please stop?” “What?” she said, knowing full well what I was talking about. “Please put your phone away.” “I was just texting my mom.” she lies, trying to get sympathy on her side. I don’t call her out on it because I’m not trying to get in a verbal argument with a bunch of teenage girls in the middle of the theatre. “Please,” I say “just put it away. I’m not being a prick.” Amazingly, with the exception of one other time that I notice throughout the film, she abides.

However, I wouldn’t have been above being an old man and getting their asses kicked out of the theatre. Why were they even at this movie in the first place? What was in it for them? These girls would be far happier at a Justin Bieber concert than a movie “about Wall Street.” Occasionally the girl that was, near-as-makes-no-difference, directly in front of me would pull out her phone. I never saw the phone -the criteria I used for making my move on her friend- but ever so often I’d see her head become slightly more backlit. I wasn’t about to call her out too; more drama than I wanted to deal with, plus, it was less frequent and less distracting.

Amazingly, the selfish girls weren’t the only ones doing it. There was a guy a few rows down by the left that pulled his out (pun intended?) a few times towards the middle/end of the movie and even a guy who did so in the same row as the girls, sitting at the opposite side. However, it was towards the end, and he was a big bro, so I wasn’t gonna fuck with him. I just wish all theatre’s had a policy like the Alamo Drafthouse.

Whatever, hopefully they all got in a (non-fatal) car accident with one another because they were busy texting and driving.

—Afterward

While I was waiting for the movie to start, people watching and seeing where they were going to sit, I noticed a girl in a grey pea coat come in and sit by herself a few rows down from me.  At the end of the movie I realized that she was in fact alone, and, with the lights on, kind of attractive. I kept trying to think of something to say to her, “So, you came by yourself too?” Everything that popped into my mind came off as creepy. Plus, she was alone at 12:46 at night in a theatre, the last thing she wants is some guy hitting on her and making her think she’s gonna get raped on her way to her car, so I said nothing, and drove home alone.

—One last thing

There is a line at the end (Leo’s last line) that refers to a scene earlier in the movie- that ties the whole thing together. That line, for me, made the movie.

Also, I was surprised at some of the cast that was in the film; people you might not realize are in it from the trailer. The Mother (from How I Met Your Mother) plays Leo’s first wife, Spike Jonze has a small role as a broker, Rob Reiner plays Leo’s father, Jean Dujardin (The Artist) plays a Swiss banker, Eli Thompson (from Boardwalk Empire) captain’s Leo’s boat, and Fran Liebowitz(!) plays a judge.

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